Let me live
by Major-Ryan
Summary: Some unfinished business leads to a drunk Captain and an angry First Officer.


Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything, but even they can t get it right.

**Authors notes: I wrote this over 15 years ago, when I was a young teenager. Back in the day when Kathryn would pirouette across the bridge and Chakotay did the can can. BE WARNED. Yes it's corny and very OOC, but it's a story i wrote and I'm proud of how far I've come from this. No plot really, just wanted to give Janeway a serving of Angry Warrior. There are scenes from the movie Mona Lisa in it and also elements of the "Let me live" song by Queen.**

**Let me live**

Kathryn entered the holodeck and immediately saw the large groups of fellow crewman chatting and laughing. Her thoughts were of only loneliness and regret. Seven years of dedication and sacrifice fell on deaf ears as she dabbled her way through life. Voyager had grown from a formidable force to a generational ark. Everyone had someone, everyone, but her. Oh there were flings along the way and friendships fought and clung to, but her happiness was not to be borne.

Taking a seat at the bar in Sandrines, the somewhat elusive and shelled Captain Janeway tapped her hand on the bench.

"I ll have a bourbon" She stated and took the drink from the bartender.

How many times had she faced danger and had to make an unbearable decision, only to have it thrown back in her face. Her first officer had grown tired, hell everybody was tired, but he himself had had enough. Chakotay the man who had declared his love for her, which she interned denied and rebuked much to her own dismay. But time only fanned the fire between both of them as situation after situation brought them closer to each other. One such occasion was with her letter from Mark. The very intimate conversation she couldn't believe she told him of. Her break-up and how she used Mark as protection from finding someone else.

_You don t have that safety net anymore._ she shuddered at the thought.

This! she knew was the beginning of a chapter that she was NOT ready for and feared greatly. She knew she felt something for him, but what?. Appreciation, friendship, Love . Oh god It was love until . She shook her head trying to make sense of these emotions.

Kathryn sighed as she took a swift gulp, swinging around on the stool to scan the rest of the room. She didn't care at this point, filling herself with alcohol seemed to be the only way to dull her mind on the recent events.

* * *  
Bree oop

Come she called as she sipped at her coffee.

She knew who it was, who it always is. Chakotay, her first officer and her deepest friend. Ha she chided herself who was she kidding. He was her everything!. An everything that could never be anything

"Captain, I have those reports you wanted" He said cautiously. Not looking her in the eyes.

She looked up at him and held her hand out to grab the padd, placing it on the desk. When he didn t leave she gave him a quizzical glaze. Her thoughts turned to concern for him and she immediately stood and walked around the desk to him.

Chakotay, what s the matter? she placed a hand on his arm and gave a gentle squeeze.

He backed away from the touch and his face stiffened. His eyes grew cloudy as he looked at her angrily. He was ready for this so he thought, but instead all these years of frustration and anger began to erupt inside. If he didn t calm himself he was going to thrust all his hurt at her and crush them both to no end.

This woman had intoxicated him from day one and he loved her more then anything in the world, but he was sick of her!. Sick of her protocol and her parameters, her flirting and teasing with him. He sometimes felt like grabbing her and beating her violently, making her pay for all the crap she spewed at him day to day. Other times he wanted to just make passionate love to her and watch her scream his name in ecstasy. But that all fell to the wayside once that hololover came into the mix.

"ENOUGH" He screamed at her. His words spitting her in the face.

Kathryn backed away shocked and a little scared. Her mind was telling her to sort it out, but her heart was aching for him.

"Chakotay, I don t understand" She lied.

She knew very well what this out burst was about. It had been nipping at her heels since a few nights before. It was inevitable.

Kathryn knew he was torn between respecting her and her beliefs or following his heart.

"Kathryn don t , Just don t" He shuddered and looked away from her.

Kathryn was mournful now and just wanted all this to go away and things to get back to normal. Her thoughts were confusing at first , but then they slowly cleared and she knew she had to let this spill out for resolutions sake.

"I thought we settled this along time ago, Chakotay" She turned him to face her.

He jumped at her touch. He didn't expect this from her. He was ready for the usual denial and protocols speech, anything but this. He grew colder and angrier as he grabbed her tightly by the arm and dragged her to the couch, throwing her on the seat.

Kathryn screeched at the assault and immediately tried to stand on her feet. Alarm bells were ringing and she had to get out of this and fast.

"No! You ll listen for a change!" He pushed her back to a sitting position on the couch.

Like hell I will Her anger was swelling inside now and she didn't care if this was ever going to resolve itself. Kathryn answered to no one and especially not him with his bullying tactics. She tried to get up again.

Suddenly Chakotay snapped and he knelt down on the couch in front of her, his knees on both side of her legs. He slammed his palms against her shoulders, forcing her to stay seated. Kathryn was fuming and struggled against him in a futile attempt to gain control.

"Stop it Kathryn! Don t force me to hurt you" He said seething uncontrollably.

She tried to make a break for her combadge, but he predicted this and ripped it off her uniform. Her mind was screaming in fear for her life as she began to cry.

Chakotay fought against her, pushing harder and harder to try to keep her seated. His knees were now on the edge of the couch for extra support. His mind had lost all cohesion and the thought of strangling her came to mind. Suddenly he heard her cry out his name. A plea laced with fear and hurt. He immediately let go of her, his mind swirling with a thousand thoughts.

_What have I done? How could I do this to her?_. He looked at her for the first time clearly. Her eyes were wide and fearful. Tears sliding down her now flushed and swollen face.

Please She pleaded with him. Her body shaking and sobbing.

"Kathryn I ..I m sorry. I never meant for this, It s just.. that . I" He staggered his words as he stood up, shock spread all over his face.

She looked at him for the first time since the madness began and saw his eyes hollow and dilute. All the coloration was drained from his face. Even his tattoo was glowing more profuse against his complexion.

"Please just go" came her whimpering reply.

He reached out to touch her, only to have her flinch in return. He chided himself and retracted his arm. His heart was aching so badly he thought he would die. He took a steady breath and turned to leave. Whispering as he walked away.

"I only wanted to know why?" then the doors closed behind him.

Kathryn stared at the closing doors feeling abused and hurt, she couldn't tell him what she wanted to for so long. She couldn t.

_Why can t you understand?_ She whispered in sadness, slowly letting out all her hurt and anger that plagued her for too long.

* * *  
Gulping down the remains of her beverage she tapped the bench again and the bartender promptly filled the glass, as she held it out to him. Smiling to the man she took another sip and this time actually tasted the sweet liquid gliding down her throat.

She enjoyed swirling the drink around as some of it spilled over the edge.

_Ahhh the pleasant feeling of alcohol_ she sighed and sculled the rest down in one go.

It wasn't long before she was gone. She had lost track of how many she had had and her body was beginning to protest. Her stomach knotted as the several drinks swished around causing her to belch and feel nauseous.

_Oh to hell with it! What have I got to lose?_. She thought, but then instantly knew she was crossing a line she so dearly held of value.

Kathryn grew even more hopeless as her resolve was losing the war against the black beauty. She began to sway on her seat to the soft music, occasionally leaning just a bit to far and nearly falling off the stool. Drinks after drinks were indulged and cared for before some crew members began to notice her behavior.

Their eyes were wide and couldn't stop staring at there captain sitting there totally intoxicated. Just then the bartender noticed her unraveled state and walked over to her.

"I think 86 is your lucky number kiddo" He said as he tried to take the half empty glass from her.

She grasp the glass tighter and gave him a sly smile. Her lip curling up at the side in one of her most famous faces.

"I think you should mind your own business" She slurred and got up from the bar. Kathryn stood so fast that she wavered on her feet and stumbled.

"You know you remind me of someone I once knew".

She looked back at the bartender and started spilling her drink all over the place as she swayed and stumbled.

"He was a great man loved me to bits, Now he s married and has kids" She groaned and tears began to well in her eyes. The thought of Mark and his seemingly Brady life, made her sick.

"Yes" She spoke then paused.

"Yes.. Its was all suppose to be mine" She thumped the glass on the bench and staggered.

"Well except for the wife" She slurred.

All her feelings were on display for everyone to see. The great Captain Janeway in all her miserable glory. The crew weren t sure how to step in, they all glanced at each other to see who would intervene first.

"No forget it, hes nothing like Chakotay He is my all"

Her thoughts turned once again to that day in her ready room when he attacked her. Those boundaries she set to stop her from getting hurt once more, from someone she loved so unconditionally.

Then the doors to the holodeck opened and Chakotay entered. He immediately saw the captain there. He noticed her slouching figure and blood shot eyes. His heart sank as he saw the hurt and betrayal evident in her face.

She noticed him enter and slyly garbled.

"You'd think he would wait for me." She seethed staring sharply into Chakotay's direction spilling her drink on the floor.

Looking down at the remains on the floor she began to fall. A crewman ran to her side and grasp her arm to keep her steady.

"Let go of me" She shouted and tugged her arm from his hold. She began to walk away when she noticed Chakotay walking towards her. Concern all over his face.

"I'm fine, I can help myself." She snapped and wobbled her way over to him.

"Aren't you on duty Commander?" She asked as she placed a hand on his arm. She squeezed it tightly trying desperately to stop her vision from spinning.

"Kathryn, I think you better call it a night" He said as he grabbed her arm from his and tried to pull her out of the holodeck.

She started laughing loudly just as the music shut off.

"Oh so now its Kathryn, Chakotay" She exaggerated wildly. Her eyes cloudy and dark.

He saw the hurt written in her eyes even as her voice defied the feeling.

The surrounding crew tried desperately not to witness what was enfolding before them. Choosing to stare at the walls or the pot plant in the corner by the fire place. Anything but their two commanding officers.

"Tell me this Chakotay, do you know the proper way to address a senior officer?" She stared at him, stiffening her gaze.

"Anyone would assume you were on intimate terms with me". A wicked glint coming to the surface.

If this is what he wanted then she was going to give it to him. Tell everyone that they both wanted each other, and that they both wanted to rip each others clothes off and fuck all the way home.

"Captain you are making a scene. I request that you leave with me now". He tugged at her arm trying desperately to escort her away from the eyes of her crew.

"Let go of me Chakotay, You can t man handle me". She seethed.

Kathryn tugged her arm loose and stumbled backwards which made Chakotay lunge for her to stop her from crashing into the bar stool behind her.

She regained her control over her legs and stood up straight. Looking into his eyes she saw raw anger arise and she knew she embarrassed him. She instantly regretted her last statement and she started to sob.

Chakotay took this as a sign that she was willing to leave and began to escort her out of the holodeck. When she got a few steps outside she stopped them in their tracks. Her stomach was swirling badly with the several drinks she had consumed and suddenly she bent over, heaveing all over the floor in the corridor.

Chakotay held her while she emptied her stomach and wiped her hair away from her face so it wouldn t get soiled. His carress was ever so soft and gentle that Kathryn eased in her state and began to stand up again. He grasped her shoulders to face him as he searched for any sign of composure.

Her eyes rolled from side to side as she tried to focus on him. She gently reached up to hold his face when he grabbed her hand and pulled it away.

Her anger shone through at the rejected touch and she began to assault him, pounding his chest with her tiny fists.

"You're so selfish, Why must you persist with this?" She yelled and struggled while fighting him. Screaming and thrashing in defiance of this man who tore her heart so badly.

"Kathryn stop this!". He pleaded grabbing her into a tight hug to prevent her assault.

He was so stricken for what he did that day and he thought maybe she didn't love him, that she was trying to let him down easy by ignoring him.

_Cause I love you that's why._ He thought

All the alcohol and fighting had taken its toll on her small body and she began to falter. Her eyes rolled back as she began to pass out . Realizing she was falling he grabbed her in his arms before she hit the ground. Cradling her, he carried her down the hall. The stink of stale alcohol and vomit dripping off her uniform and shoes made him gag. It tore his heart to see her in so much pain and that most of it was his doing. He was confused and couldn't make sense of anything since returning back home.

He struggled with the override of Kathryn s quarters while holding her as still as possible. She stirred in his arms and he halted. When the doors opened he sighed and walked to her bedroom, laying her on the bed. He gently removed her soiled top leaving her in her tunic. Then he grabbed the blanket that was nestled at the end of the bed and spread it across her body to keep her warm.

He gazed at her for a long time thinking of how tired she looked. No longer was there the enigmatic Captain who was bold and endearing. Fearless and full of hope. No, it was replaced by a woman who lost all her dreams for home and family. A woman who sacrificed everything and asked for nothing in return.

The Delta Quadrant had robbed her of everything and all he could think of was himself. He started to cry softly as he knelt beside the bed, placing her hand in his.

_Oh Kathryn, you are not alone_ He sobbed through the night till he drifted of to sleep beside her.

TBC


End file.
